I knew that watching LOCKJAW: RISE OF THE KULEV SERPENT would perhaps be a mistake when I loaded up the DVD and there was a trailer for the massively disappointing MEGASHARK VS GIANT OCTOPUS. I mean, that wasn’t even a very good film on a comic level (even though it was marketed that way). Basically, MEGASHARK left me unfulfilled, and though I had fairly low expectations about LOCKJAW from the start, the association didn’t make me feel overwhelmingly optimistic.

Luckily, LOCKJAW: RISE OF THE KULEV SERPENT is a slightly better film. I am not saying it is great, or even any good, but for some reason I kind of enjoyed it. Even with the truly terrible cast, the awful CGI snake/alligator thing, and it apparently staring DMX, who actually has a very minor role (probably for the best really – it leaves him more time to focus on getting arrested and studying the Bible), it wasn’t the worst film I have ever seen. Close, but definitely not the worst.

The film begins with young Alan avoiding his drunk and abusive father. He runs away, flirts with his neighbour Becky, and together they break into a house and steal a creepy wooden box with a voodoo pencil inside. When Alan gets home he draws with the voodoo pencil a picture of a snake eating his father. Some magic happens and Alan’s father is never seen again. Lucky Alan.

Jumping forward to present day, Alan and Becky are married. In a rather unlikely scene she is killed when a truck full of the most annoying and obnoxious young people in the world run her over while on their way to spend a weekend partying in a field. For some reason they fail to notice they’d just killed a woman and continue on their way. Alan, however, sees the whole thing and seeks revenge against the youngsters by drawing a snake eating both them and their truck (but this time his skill as an artist has improved considerably).

All this action leads up to my favourite line in the film after Alan has confessed to some of the surviving teens what he has done: “That was an accident. You? You drew us to death. That sucks. You suck.”

I guess I need to explain why I kind of liked it. I liked it because it had a bunch of horrible morons in it and they die because of a curse. I like it because the dialogue is stupid and the delivery of the dialogue terrible, which made me laugh a little. I also liked the stereotyping – the skater-kid carries his skateboard everywhere (I mean, where you gonna skate in the middle of a field dumbass?!?), the blonde girl does a (not very) sexy striptease, the nerdy guy is sensitive and probably gay, and someone gave DMX a rocket launcher.

As far as tales of revenge and redemption go, this is not going to really leave you inspired. I’d recommend if you do decide to watch this film, watch it with friends and talk the whole way though it. You’ll enjoy it a lot more that way.

LOCKJAW: RISE OF THE KULEV SERPENT is available now on DVD from Play

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