The Cursed Crusade – His Review with Ian

This game should be renamed – The Cursed Cutscene. With 90% cut scenes and 10% action, I would hope that the dialogue, acting or cinematics would aid the story, move it along perhaps, add a plot twist, set up something or give you anything that won’t leave you tearing your eyes out with boredom. The CC gives you not one cut scene in between piddling bits of action, not two, but three completely unnecessary rhythm breaking, story blocking, care sapping cut scenes every time you move which ruin any hope that this game might be worth engaging with.

Hack and slash, do it with your eyes open or closed, it doesn’t make a difference. Set in the fourth crusade, two compadres embark on a quest to… oh the plot is so boring and too obvious to talk about, but it has an added a rent-a-pope, rent-a-sultan and rent-a-byzantine empire throne descendants. Put it together and what have you got? A big middle-aged cliché developed by Kylotonn Games!

The fighting mechanic is jaded, you could build up various skill tree combinations of sword and sword, mace and sword, sword and shield which offer the possibilities of different attacks but to be honest, it doesn’t really matter, because if you hit one button repeatedly that will sort out most of those lazy, good for nothing enemies.

The world looks and feels like something out of PS2 land with poor graphics and environmental authenticity. There’s not a whole lot going on and trying to mask that fact, there is an overly dramatic score (which is brilliant, majestic and sweeping – I love the soundtrack) that doesn’t fit the game. Rather than a 57-piece orchestral cue welcoming two enemies waving their swords with their smiling faces, the audio that is really required are two triangles and a primary school recorder concert because that’s the amount of threat and difficulty which this game poses. The gore is poor, the blood is mud and I cannot fathom why this has a mature rating.

There are some strange moments when ole Spanish Eyes (your co-op buddy) and you (Mr Denz de Bayle) get transformed into some sort of horned demon and the world suddenly gets all lavatastic like you’re in a big fiery stadium. Your button sploshing powers are ramped up to 5 from 2.7, an added skill you now have is you can see weak spots in structures to destroy them and move the story forward before boom, you’re back in the real world, demons gone, everything’s dull again. You don’t need me to tell you it’s like a ruler in terms of narrative progression. In fact I may create a scale of how linear games are in collaboration with Blundell Harding Ltd.

If you want a third person, medieval action adventure game about templar’s and heroes, the words Creed Revelations and Assassin’s spring to mind. I for one will be waiting for this to quench my templar slaying thirst.

Her Review with Tracey

In an opening cut-scene that lasts a staggering 8 minutes, gnarled templar Jean de Bayle leaves Jerusalem and the third crusade with a wooden chest that is full of amazing relics which apparently are the key to ascension… but rather look like driftwood to me and heads for France. Okay, lets get fighting. Oh, wait another 5 minute cut-scene; well go on then, where are we now? France with Denz de Bayle - his son who has lost his lands, his castle and his mother since his father returned from the Crusade. Donning his father’s tatty templar tunic, Denz joins a ruthless band of merry mercenaries in the hope of becoming recruited onto the next crusade in the hope of finding his father…. EH???

Hang on… How did he get his fathers tunic if he’s missing?

And so begins the most confusing, boring, hammy and unsatisfying game you’ll play this year. Clearly I wasn’t listening to the melodramatic tones of the narrator. It’s like watching a dated history re-enactment video at school with names and dates and battles and locations and weapons and consequences and….

Nodded off again! Sorry but it’s so hard to engage with. The over extended cut-scenes are balanced out with rapid yet bland and often clumsy bits of action. As Ian played it first, I spent huge chunks of time asking him what was going on? How do I do this or that? Why won’t it do this? Where does it say that?… for him to just shake his head or roll his eyes at me in response. There’s no guide into the game when you do finally get to press a button. A command of how to block will come up only when you’ve been struck in the back two or three times. Advice on vitally strategic things like picking up weapons so you can learn new moves and improve your skill tree are sorely missing in the heat of battle or appear so slowly, you could have read Holy Blood, Holy Grail whilst waiting. I was howling at Ian as he impaled a dodgy looking enemy with a spear then bashed him over the head with a flanged mace – I wanna do that!Weapons supposedly have different properties; axes are two handed and cut through armour well, maces strip armour but don’t deal damage and spears that require two hands, offer reach plus deal load of damage but are rubbish at piercing armour (really?). Weapons also wear out but it would’ve been polite if someone had mentioned it before I got to mid-fight with a boss… Very quickly, you’ll realise that when you do finally get your weapons in order, the battles are easily won, no matter which difficulty you select as the block/counter attack button is child’s play, especially if you’re rocking some hellish power.

To be a templar means to carry a curse that has been passed on for generations. How you get it I have no idea but one deadly curse later and you’re guaranteed to wind up in hell when you die. In the meantime, it’s pretty useful for increasing your speed and strength as well as leaning new abilities as you soak up then unleash the power of hell and all its fiery attributes. One tier on your curse gauge slowly refills over time but the other two get topped up when you’re fighting before the full effects kick in automatically. Those who activate the curse are the only ones who see the world turn to hell as your petty thief Spanish companion exclaims “How is it I can destroy walls with my bare hands? Why do I see the burnt men and the flaming skeletons?” Everyone else will just regard you as being bigger faster stronger and apparently, this also applies to horses.

Talking of Esteban Noviembre, he is without question the most Spanish person to appear in a game ever! “I have dee baaad feelin abowd dis crusade thing eh? But I av a debt to repay. I weeel help you to shiney”… seriously? I’m surprised he wasn’t dressed in red and yellow or brandishing a giant chorizo. An honourable rogue thief who signs up to join the crusade with Denz without question, we’re told Esteban fights for little more than the promise of gold initially but turns out to be important or something. Didn’t get that far so can’t tell you but again it smacks of the murky narrative and direction of the whole game.

It all feels a bit a of mash up of every obvious thing we’ve ever learnt about templars or the crusades with added things made up on the spot with no sense of realism. So maybe this game isn’t about creating a sense of atmosphere where battle is fierce and requires a quick brain as well as a quick hand – but then why the arduous cut-scenes that so desperately try to create drama, tension and historical accuracy? From stony castles, to the gardens of the Byzantine Empire and the desert sands of Syria, there are glimpses of real beauty and artwork before the environment rips away to become a hellish lava pit but stick a sword in someone and it’s graphically lame as there’s no sense of impact.

Too long cut scenes that offer a complicated and conflicting story that leaves you feeling so haven’t got a clue what’s going on, combined with simple, unresponsive battle scenes, hammy and unconvincing characters and no sense of fun, achievement or satisfaction to be found anywhere - this actually is my idea of what my own personal gaming hell could be so maybe The Cursed Crusade is the most accurately titled game this year.

The The Cursed Crusade is out now, available on Xbox360, Playstation 3 and PC.